I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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