she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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