worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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