dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
