I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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