he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
