I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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