im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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