whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
