good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
