john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
