Swine flu. Run for my life!
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
