i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
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