Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
MIDGETS
????
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
