Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
