Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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