Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
