I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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