nut hugger
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
