i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
