You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
