I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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