Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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