i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
