I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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