I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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