Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
There's always time for handjobs
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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