I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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