i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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