FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We talked him into tasing himself.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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