Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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