I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
