I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
