I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
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