i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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