go do what you do best...puke behind churches
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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