Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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