Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
