Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
