oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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