Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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