so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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