i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize