There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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