youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Its about making memories worth repressing
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
