I wish my penis had an off switch
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
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