ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
