I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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