so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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