you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
