I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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