brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
