This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
