do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
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