DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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