just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
