Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize