where does the pee come out of this thing
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
