Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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