i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
